Adobe Illustrator barks like a dog...

I’m writing this as I wait for Illustrator CS4 to save a file that I am working on.

Saving a file in Illustrator is a very time-consuming process. The file I am saving is for an A2-size poster, with an overall background image and around 40 smaller images. Every time I hit ‘save’ Illustrator overwrites a 417mb file.

I don’t even like Illustrator. For many years I have been a Freehand user. I first encountered Freehand when it was Version 2 and it has been my vector graphic programme of choice from that time. Sure, I’ve used Illustrator at various times (the introduction of the bezier pen drawing time at Version 3 was a high point for me), but Freehand has always had the edge. Even now.

My regular saving of my work is a reflex action. Whenever I go to open a new document, at the end of a particularly intricate piece of work, or simply every 5 minutes – Apple+S. To me it’s common sense. And for the last few years it’s become essential. Freehand does not really like later versions of Mac OS X. Which is just a sad fact of life. Once upon a time you could always expect older versions of Mac software to run fine on newer versions of System. But not since recent versions of Mac OS X came out. The last release of Freehand was in 2004. Since OS X 10.4 ‘Tiger’ came out in 2005 Freehand’s performance has been, at best, ‘unstable’.

Given the size of the community of Freehand users out there, why doesn't somebody do something about this?

To find out why, it’s necessary to go back to 1995, when Adobe brought Aldus, makers of the popular PageMaker and Freehand graphic packages. While Adobe were very quick to release a new version of PageMaker to fill the ‘document layout’ void in their stable of software (too quick in fact, PageMaker 6 and 6.5 were absolute dogs that frequently shredded files beyond recovery rather than saved them, and by the time PageMaker 7 came out the design community, by and large, had moved to Quark Xpress). They had to rush out InDesign to capture that part of the market and the first couple of versions of that were buggy as well – but that’s another story.

Freehand was another matter. After all Adobe already had a vector graphics programme, Illustrator 6.0, and they didn’t need or want another. So they on-sold Aldus Freehand to the initial developers and Macromedia was born.

The rest is history. Macromedia didn’t stop at creating and supporting new and improved releases of Freehand, they went on to develop new and exciting products for web development. These included the highly regarded DreamWeaver, Flash and Fireworks programmes. They also acquired the ColdFusion development platform. They were so successful and became so big that Adobe eventually brought them out, acquiring Freehand for the second time.

This time they didn’t on-sell Freehand. They didn’t keep on supporting it. Instead they killed it. How I wish they had killed Illustrator!

Curse you, Jim Hickey!

I have a bone to pick with you, Jim.

This was supposed to be a fantastic Labour Weekend. All last week you were assuring us that, unlike Labour weekends of years past, this one was really going to be one out of the box. A massive high-pressure system was headed our way across the Tasman, and given the favourable conditions it was going to anchor over the whole of New Zealand for the whole three day weekend. Bear in mind that due to the vaguaries of the New Zealand Holiday Act three day weekends have been in short supply this year and the last one was in June. So we’re taking a long time between drinks here.

Yes, we know that it’s difficult to get accurate weather forecasts for New Zealand. As NIWA has explained, we’re a long, thin landmass nestled in the ’Roaring 40s’ and conditions can be very unpredictable. The Finn Brothers even sang that we really can have ‘four seasons in one day’. That’s why the guys at the Met Office get you to throw in a few caveats with every forecast, just to cover yourselves. You know, like “Mainly fine apart from occasional showers”, ”Settled conditions, becoming changeable in the afternoon”, that sort of thing. But Jim, you really did it this time. All last week you told us it was going to be fantabulous, amazing, incredible weather over most of the country all weekend. And all right, over much of the country you got it right. But guess where you didn’t?

Sure, as the old saying goes, “you can’t beat Wellington on a good day”. That’s absolutely true. But Wellington didn't even get ONE good day on this Labour-Weekend-to-beat-all-Labour-Weekends. Saturday was overcast and drab. It was worse than that on Sunday, Jim. And it didn't get any better on Monday. Maybe the sun was shining in other parts of the country but it sure as hell wasn’t shining in one part of the country for the whole three days. In fact if only brightened up this afternoon. And that fact even made the Six O’Clock News Hour!

We’re understanding folk here in Wellington, Jim. We understand that some factors are simply beyond your control and you can’t always get it right. We understand that you’re a ’Naki boy at heart who has been forced to work in the Big Smoke up north. Do yourself a favour, next time you think you see a fantabulous long weekend coming up, play it safe and leave yourself a little wriggle room. Who knows, we may all be pleasantly surprised!

DON'T VOTE!

It Only Encourages The Buggers...

I see the Local Body Elections are drawing ever-closer upon us and we should all do the democratic thing and cast our votes. The thing is I’m having a problem telling the candidates apart. It says a lot for the calibre of those misguided souls that feel a calling to put themselves forward for Local Government when you can’t tell one from the other.

Right now the incumbent Mayor of Lower Hutt is telling us that he stands for Lower Rates and Better Services. His opposing candidate is saying exactly the same thing. I don’t get it...

Consider the proposition itself. “Lower Rates and Better Services”. Now that sounds like an inherent contradiction in terms to me. How are you expected to improve services when you're bringing in the same amount of money through rates? The obvious solution is to charge more for the services. So your rates won’t go up as much as they might have otherwise but you'll still end up paying more.

Years ago I lived in West Auckland. At the time the incumbent Mayor had just taken delivery of a Daimler Limousine for civic duties. A certain concrete contractor and ex-student radical, name of Shadbolt, pointed out that this extravagance was a waste of ratepayer money with no tangible benefit to the ratepayer. He then pointed out that the Daimler didn't even have a tow-bar. If he became Mayor he wouldn’t be able to tow his concrete mixer! Well, the rest is history. Tim ‘I Don't Care Where As Long as I’m Mayor’ Shadbolt went on to become Mayor of Waitakere City, the Daimler got a tow-bar and Tim towed his trusty (or was that rusty) concrete mixer in the Henderson Christmas Parade. He then went on to lose Waitakere’s Mayoral chains while on a ‘speaking engagement’ at Auckland’s Gluepot Pub. Consequently Tim is now Mayor of Invercargill. Still, it was fun while it lasted.

Most local politicians are not nearly as colourful as young Tim. The local candidates for Mayor are neither Red or Blue, but more consistently a uniform shade of uninspiring Grey. The candidates in the race to become Auckland’s first 'Super Mayor' are similarly indistinguishable. Manukau Mayor Len Brown cried when he had to cut up his official credit card after ‘inappropriate’ use. Auckland City Mayor John ‘Banksy’ Banks similarly cried at a recent court investigation over the death of an acquaintance of his 18 year old son (which wouldn’t have hurt his prospects of re-election at all). From here the future of the Super City doesn’t look too healthy.

The only local body candidate to stand out in any way is Mayor Bob Parker of Christchurch. Bob’s fortunes have changed since the Christchurch earthquake last month and the subsequent aftermath. Bob has been the right man, in the right place, at the right time and has handled the whole business in a very credible manner. His rival, ageing political hack Jim Anderton can’t rival this performance. I imagine Jim will stick to Central Government and the public trough for another parliamentary term.

“Then again, our council is strictly non-political... They’re all conservative.” (Michael Flanders)

‘American Pie’

“So bye bye, Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry.
Them good ol’ boys was drinking whisky and rye, saying ‘this will be the day that I die...’ ”

Not so long ago, after a number of years I made contact with my old mate, Mark. I had done a drawing of Mark’s 1948 Chev Thriftmaster pick up truck a couple of years ago. In the mid '80s I'd taken some 35mm photos of ‘Baby Blue’ with the idea of doing an airbrushed illustration.

How times have changed! It wasn’t until 2008 that I got around to doing the illustration. Computers had replaced drawing boards and the global economy was going down the toilet. I found myself with time on my hands so I dragged out the old black and white 8x10" print I had made years earlier in the Auckland Star darkrooms and set to work.

This was the very first time I had attempted this kind of work on a computer. The idea was to create a rendered illustration of something unique – not just any 1948 Chev Thriftmaster but the particular truck that Mark had owned years earlier. I began by blocking in the blue painted surfaces and used Photoshop’s dodge and burn tools to render highlights and shadows. The Chev also bristled with chromework and working out how to render the polished hubcaps and model the fluted grille surfaces was a real challenge. The final touches were the small details, the 1940’s Chevrolet badging, the polished bolt caps on the 1/8" steel bumpers, the Chevrolet ‘bowtie’ emblems, double rear leaf springs and the 1980s vintage registration plates. IMHO this is what ‘makes' the illustration.’

If anybody wants a blow-by-blow tutorial drop a comment in the blog and I'll see what I can do...

About 'Baby Blue'...

Mark’s first car was a 1970’s Mk 3 ‘Coke Bottle’ Ford Cortina that his old man had picked out for him. It had been owned by a mechanic, had been well maintained, had a tidy body and was in good running order. At the business end it had a 1.6 litre four-cylinder crossflow engine lugging a fairly substantial mid-sized body and Mark hated it. He often said his old man had brought it to try and kill him. In fact he must have always been a Chev man because when he sold it a few years later this was the vehicle that replaced it!

‘Baby Blue’ was huge. Traditionally pre mid-1950’s Chevs had inline six-cylinder engines and ‘Baby Blue’ was no exception. The original sidevalve ‘Stovebolt Six’ had been replaced with a more modern ‘Blue Flame’ unit mated to the original three-speed gearbox. Acceleration was hardly neck-breaking but once wound up the truck would cruise comfortably at nearly 60 miles per hour (100kmh), it’s town-and-country rear tyres making a distinctive ‘frrrrrp’ sound as it whizzed along the roadway. Fuel consumption was the stuff of legend.

Mark was a collector. From his childhood he had made collections of all manner of articles. I met him during my third-form year at college and he invited me home after school shortly afterwards. He then showed me his collection of Malaysian ‘Kris’ daggers, a couple of machetes, some WWII bayonets and a ‘Kukri’ – the weapon of choice of the Ghurka Regiment. Subsequently he acquired a veteran Excelsior motorcycle, a King Nuetrodyne wireless radio set, a vintage Austin Seven and all manner of other stuff. If you needed to get hold of anything in the second hand/‘antique’ line or any old machinery Mark always ‘knew where one was’. With a 1/2 ton payload ‘Baby Blue’ was the ideal way to move his collections around. Most importantly it also meant that his Alsatian, Sheik, could ride on the huge tray, thus eliminating the problem of dog hair on any upholstery.

Like all older vehicles, ‘Baby Blue’ had it’s quirks. After years of wear the ignition switch could be turned on without the benefit of a key. It had a floor-mounted starter switch and no synchro on first gear. It had a vinyl-upholstered bench seat and absolutely no seatbelts. A collection of air-horns linked to an asthmatic compressor lurked behind the grille. The windscreen wipers were operated by the vacuum in the induction manifold, meaning that they would stop altogether when going uphill on full throttle and nearly fly off the screen going downhill on over-run. On one memorable trip from New Plymouth to Auckland the industrial-strength fanbelt broke and the engine overheated sending steam pouring up through the floorboards into the cab. Fortunately the Blue Flame suffered no permanent damage but a blown head gasket had to be replaced!

In fact that was our last trip in ‘Baby Blue’. Mark was taking her up to Auckland to sell her. He needed the money to contribute towards his share of the house that he and his girlfriend were buying.

I sent him a print of ‘Baby Blue’ for his birthday this year. Thanks for the memories...

“I was a lonely teenage bronc'n'buck with a pink carnation and a pick-up truck...”
(‘American Pie’, Don McLean)

GOOOAAAAALLLLL!

I don’t think Iceland was even in the World Cup (were they?) but this is an unbelievable celebration of a sporting triumph though I don’t think it was totally spontaneous – I have a sneaking suspicion that they might have been rehearsing for just such an occasion...

NZ Leads the World... again!

Yes, this month it happened. As of 1st July 2010 Godzone becomes a world leader... again. We are one of the first, if not the first country to have a fully-functional, albeit very watered-down ETS.

For those that I have lost already, an ETS is an Emissions Trading Scheme. And, to quickly recap on an earlier article in this blog, an Emissions Trading Scheme is a means of penalising those that emit so-called ‘greenhouse gases’ that are, apparently, making the Earth warmer. Just how the Earth is supposed to be getting warmer I have no idea, if I look out the window into a Wellington winter I can see little evidence of it, but apparently it’s happening. Somewhere.

So, like other countries, New Zealand has to make a contribution to combat this. We produce something like 0.2% of global emissions, so if we slap a levy on anybody that drives a car, uses electric power, hops on a plane or lights a fire that should take care of that part of the problem. We also need to do something about all the agricultural ruminants out there but the Agricultural Belch Tax part of the equation (also mistakenly called the ‘fart tax’) doesn’t come into effect until around 2015.

So by 2015 a whole heap of money will be siphoned out of the local economy and sent... where exactly?

Apparently it’s going to be used to buy ‘Carbon Credits’. A Carbon Credit is an intangible thing. You can’t see it or feel it. It makes no noise and the average person wouldn’t know one if he fell over it in the street. I have no idea who sells them, though I know he’s going to become very rich. And apparently if you buy one of these things you’re saving the world.

They say some joker from the Beehive called Nick Smith is busy right now working on a ‘charm offensive’ that may explain the ETS better than I can. Call me a cynic, but somehow I doubt it.

Is there anybody out there...

“Hello, is there anybody out there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?” (Pink Floyd)

Amongst all the rantings and ravings in hyperspace it’s easy for the blog editor to become disillusioned. I’ve been publishing this blog for well over a year. It’s a handy way to put my thoughts and musings out there and see if anyone gives a damn. Who knows, in fifty or eighty five years these scratchings might be discovered and pondered over. But for now I’ve had a handful of comments. And I have no followers. At all. Heck, even NEV has four followers and he’s a garden gnome!

So we enter the realm of the abandoned blog. Many blogs were started for no other reason than they seemed to be a good idea at the time. And as time goes on they become a chore and a liability and are left parked on the side of the information superhighway. And I have been concerned that this blog was going to join them.

Matter of fact I’ve been really, really busy for the last six weeks which is cool. And I have no intention of closing this blog down. I’m going to carry on polluting my own little corner of the web in my search for immortality. Who know, one day I might even say something useful!

FIREFOX eats INTERNET EXPLOITER!

I HATE IE! Yep, I’ve said it before, and along with hundreds of others I’ll no doubt say it again... Why do we develop Standards-Compliant websites that work in all ‘standard’ browsers, and then develop separate stylesheets or an arcane series of ‘hacks’ and workarounds to try to make our pages render sensibly in the Microsoft’s non-standard Internet Explorer browser?

Because far too many people believe Microsoft when they say that they control 135.48% of the web browser market, and can therefore call the shots regarding what passes for ‘standard’ on the internet. Their arrogance is breathtaking.

To be fair, Microsoft isn’t all bad. They did bale Apple out in the 1990s and the latest version of IE is a definite improvement on earlier efforts. But there are still far too many old versions of IE in daily use out there, from the why-don’t-my IE-hacks-work-like-they-used-to IE7 to the absolutely non-standard stuff-you-we’re-Microsoft IE6 and the plain awful IE5.

The main reason IE has such a stranglehold is that it comes bundled as part of Microsoft’s ubiquitous Windows OS, and Windows users simply don’t think of upgrading to something better. There’s a lot to be said for an “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” mentality. However this is overlooking the fact that IE is (always was) seriously “broke”.

which is why this graphic I came across today really took my fancy.

For crying out loud people, do yourself a favour and download Firefox! It’s miles better than any version of IE, it actually works and displays websites they way they’re meant to look – and even better, it’s absolutely, 100% FREE!

It’s St. Paddy’s again...

Well, it was yesterday anyway. And true to form, thousands of people discovered that they had green blood and spent the day rolling in and out of pubs wearing funny little green felt bowler hats, drinking green lager and Guinness and looking for Huilis to gatecrash.

What is it about St. Patrick’s Day that gets normally apathetic Kiwis going like this? Our National Day, Waitangi Day, is spent at the beach at a family barbecue or watching the cricket on TV (unless you’re one of the small mob or protesters who travel up to Waitangi every year to protest). Anzac Day, the day New Zealand discovered itself as a nation on the battlefields of Gallipoli, is a day when some of the population go to the Dawn Parade Service while the rest of us roll over and go back to sleep for another few hours. But St. Paddy’s gets bigger and bigger. In fact it has become for the Publican what St. Valentine’s Day is for Florists.

The main reason for this, of course, is the party. The Irish have a reputation for being a crowd of party animals. This is also celebrated by the Maori, who never like to be left out of such things, who now recognise St. Patrick’s day as a great opportunity for TWO party cultures to come together. It just gets bigger and bigger. In fact, there's a new movement, rapidly gathering strength, who would like to see the day added to New Zealand’s rather meagre selection of National Public Holidays. One downside of that is that if this were to actually happen, St. Paddy’s Day Revellers would probably get hit with a Public Holiday Surcharge.

The other downside is that if the workplace skiving that happens on March 17th was suddenly legitimised as a Public Holiday, it wouldn’t be half as much fun.

St. Patrick, by all accounts, was evidently a Roman by the name of Patricius, based in Britannia towards the end of the Roman occupation. He seems to have been a fairly stoic individual who had a calling to travel to a small island off the West Coast inhabited by the Picts (whose main claim to fame was the love of a good fight, the worship of Pagan Idols and a certain fondness for blue body paint), preach the good word to these heathen, and get rid of all the snakes. I doubt if he even had time for a pint at the local before he shot off.

I wonder what he would have made of it all?

Written on a Sunday afternoon...

Reflection on Sunday afternoons, as described by the late Douglas Adams

Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged is a man with a purpose. Not a very good purpose, as he would be the first to admit, but it keeps him busy. Keeps him on the move. For Wowbagger is one of the Universe’s very small number of immortal beings.

Most of those who are born to immortality instinctively know how to cope with it, but Wowbagger is not one of their number. Indeed, he has come to hate them, and refers to them as ‘the load of serene bastards’.

He had his immortality inadvertently thrust upon him after an unfortunate accident with an irrational particle accelerator, a liquid lunch, and a pair of rubber bands. The precise details are not important because no one has ever managed to duplicate the exact circumstances under which it happened, although many people have ended up looking very silly, or very dead or, more often than not, both, trying.

To begin with it was fun, he had a ball, living dangerously, taking risks, cleaning up on high-yield long-term investments, and just generally outliving the hell out of everybody. But even the attractions of immortality can pass, in the end it was Sunday afternoons he just couldn’t cope with, and that terrible listlessness that starts to set in at about 2:55 when you know you’ve taken all the baths you can usefully take that day, or that however hard you stare at any given paragraph in the newspaper you will never actually read it, or use the revolutionary new pruning technique it describes, and that as you stare at the clock the hands will move relentlessly on to four o’clock, and you will enter the ‘Long Dark Teatime of the Soul’.

So things began to pall for him. The smug smiles he used to wear at other people’s funerals began to fade. He began to despise the Universe in general, and everybody in it in particular.

And it was at this point at which he conceived his purpose, the thing that would drive him on, and which, as far as he could see, would drive him on forever. It was this:

He would insult the Universe.

That is, he would insult everybody in it. Individually, personally, one by one, and (this was the thing he really decided to grit his teeth over) in Alphabetical Order.

When people protested to him, as they sometimes did, that the plan was not merely misguided but actually impossible because of the number of people being born and dying all the time, he would merely fix them with a steely look and say, “A man can dream, can’t he?”

The dangers of Content Managed (CMS) Websites

Today I read an online article about the dangers of relying on a Content Management System (CMS) driven website to present your business to the web world and potential clients therein. It gave me something to think about. My initial view was that the article would be all about online security, hacking attacks and the like but, in fact, it was really about design and content integrity.

The thing is, setting up a content-managed website nowadays is not the huge financial expense that it once was. There are some great off-the-shelf CMS packages out there now such as Jooma!, WordPress and even New Zealand’s SilverStripe. There are a wide range of template designs available, many for free and others at a nominal cost. There are free blog services (yes, even blogspot.com) which are easy to use and can even be configured to connect through individual domain names. So why do we need to hire web designers? What’s to prevent your average small or mid-sized business downloading one of these packages and uploading the contents to a hosting server or opening a blogspot account, setting all the necessary passwords and permissions and publishing their own web content?

While the obstacles of designing and coding a website can be effectively bypassed, there are still definite security concerns when using an off-the-shelf CMS. The very fact that these packages can be downloaded and easily configured means that hackers can also download copies and look for ‘xploits’ – weaknesses in the code that can be exploited to enable the hacker to take control of installed copies of the software. The companies that write the CMS packages are constantly on the watch for this kind of activity and, as is common practice for software companies, release patches and updates to address new security concerns. However if a site is running on an older version CMS it is are potentially at risk. Do the site owners have the technical smarts to upgrade the CMS to the latest version without losing site content? And if they are running third-party extensions to add functionality to their site, are these compromising the integral security of the site? Are these extensions the latest and most secure versions?

Security concerns aside there are also design concerns. Is there a template available that fits in with the company image and branding? Can the company logo be displayed on the site pages, and can it be displayed ‘correctly’ (note: there is much more to this than simply having the logo appear on a page)? Are the colours a match to brand identity? What about typography? How many other individuals in cyberspace are using the same template? How much time is it going to take to do this work (in business nothing is ever ‘free’), and who is available to do it? Could their time be better utilised? And above all, how many design compromises should be made in the interest of having a ‘free’ website design?

It is here, of course, that the web or graphic designer comes into play. An industry professional can design a website that addresses these concerns for a one-off fee, and connect it to an easy-to-use CMS. They will include the company’s brand identity and logo, taking into account design considerations such as clearspace, typography, use of web-safe colour matches to brand colours, and introducing the special touches that embellish and enhance a brand and make the website a unique and logical extension of the brand. They can be contracted to provide site hosting, take care of security and keep the CMS version up to date. And the business owner can take it from there.

There are other considerations, however. The integrity of site content is every bit as important as the integrity of the CMS or the site design. Writing for the web is an art in itself, it is different to other written forms of communication. Web content should be split in to small, easy to read ‘chunks’. It is often less formal than heavyweight corporate documentation. It should be written in the same ‘voice’ - consistent use of language and written style. And, perhaps most importantly, it should contain keywords and phrases that help in search engine queries.

Site owners editing or changing these keywords and phrases can adversely affect search engine results. Careless editing by inexperienced persons can result in uneven or irregular formatting and paragraph spacing. Images might be uploaded that are ‘cheesy’ stock images used elsewhere that are inappropriate to the visual integrity of the site or that are simply too large (in terms of file size and download times) to display well. New site content should always be checked against the rest of the site to ensure that the writing style and language match it is in keeping with published content. Is the meaning of the content still clear or has it been compromised by excessive jargon or stock industry phrases? Is the subject matter clearly, simply and completely explained? And finally, there’s also grammar to be checked and the essential spelling checks to be made.

Any shortcuts in these areas can result in the design and content integrity of the website being compromised, with the initial investment in the site being drastically reduced. The site simply doesn’t perform as well as it should. It loses value as time passes. And eventually it becomes worthless. Worse still, in time it can actually work against it’s owner. Badly-designed and badly-maintained sites diminish the owner’s credibility with potential clients.

That’s not to say that I am opposed to Content-Managed sites at all. In fact CMS systems are a great tool that enables the site owner to keep their site fresh and current – always important when publishing information online. But appropriate care needs to be taken when site owners assume responsibility for site content.

Finally, it always pays to keep the site designer on-side to perform special tasks that might be slightly outside the ordinary. And get them to periodically audit site content as a ‘fresh pair of eyes’ to ensure that everything is still on track!

This Summer is a Crock...

For the last five days, the Dominion Post has been regaling us with the delights of the elusive Wellington Summer. Since the beginning of December the East Coast of of the North Island of New Zealand has been buffeted by winds while the West Coast has been subjected to torrential rain. Wellington, being at the southernmost extremity of the North Island, has copped the lot.

This is not to say that we have not had days with sunshine. In fact, the sun is shining right now. And we should be thankful that this morning’s gale force nor-westers have abated to a more sedate 20-30 knots, only occasionally gusting to 55. Windburn is so much more healthier than sunburn, at least there’s no risk of skin cancer.

We went for a family bike ride along the Hutt River Trail on January the 1st. Heading south, we set a cracking pace that any self-respecting motorcross rider would be hard pressed to beat. Coming back, however, was a different story – a long, slow drag at walking speed. In fact I’m sure that we did end up walking part of the way. We then went out to a family picnic in ‘sub-tropical’ Upper Hutt. We huddled low to the ground to keep out of the wind. My sunburn still stings (no kidding)...

This, we have just been informed by the experts in the Met Office, is an ‘El Nino’ summer.

The majority of New Zealanders first heard of the ‘El Nino’ effect on the Southern Oscillation in the early eighties. Apparently warmer-than-normal ocean water off the Columbian, Ecuadorian and Peruvian coasts of South America and cooling ocean water around Indonesia and the Indian Ocean means that New Zealanders can realistically forget about summer this year. No camping this summer holidays, no barbecues on the beach – that’s it. The effect that ‘El Nino’ has on the New Zealand weather pattern means that it’s wetter than normal to the north of the country, drier than normal in the east, and as for the south and west, forget it. Oh, and then there's the wind (did I mention the wind?).

‘El Nino’ is apparently a Hispanic expression that means ‘Christ Child’. This name is applied to the Southern Oscillation because the onset of this climactic event is normally around Christmas time. The counterpoint of ‘El Nino’ is the much more agreeable ‘La Nina’, which we can expect in three or four summers time. Or not.

And there was I thinking that they would blame it on global warming...