Curse you, Jim Hickey!

I have a bone to pick with you, Jim.

This was supposed to be a fantastic Labour Weekend. All last week you were assuring us that, unlike Labour weekends of years past, this one was really going to be one out of the box. A massive high-pressure system was headed our way across the Tasman, and given the favourable conditions it was going to anchor over the whole of New Zealand for the whole three day weekend. Bear in mind that due to the vaguaries of the New Zealand Holiday Act three day weekends have been in short supply this year and the last one was in June. So we’re taking a long time between drinks here.

Yes, we know that it’s difficult to get accurate weather forecasts for New Zealand. As NIWA has explained, we’re a long, thin landmass nestled in the ’Roaring 40s’ and conditions can be very unpredictable. The Finn Brothers even sang that we really can have ‘four seasons in one day’. That’s why the guys at the Met Office get you to throw in a few caveats with every forecast, just to cover yourselves. You know, like “Mainly fine apart from occasional showers”, ”Settled conditions, becoming changeable in the afternoon”, that sort of thing. But Jim, you really did it this time. All last week you told us it was going to be fantabulous, amazing, incredible weather over most of the country all weekend. And all right, over much of the country you got it right. But guess where you didn’t?

Sure, as the old saying goes, “you can’t beat Wellington on a good day”. That’s absolutely true. But Wellington didn't even get ONE good day on this Labour-Weekend-to-beat-all-Labour-Weekends. Saturday was overcast and drab. It was worse than that on Sunday, Jim. And it didn't get any better on Monday. Maybe the sun was shining in other parts of the country but it sure as hell wasn’t shining in one part of the country for the whole three days. In fact if only brightened up this afternoon. And that fact even made the Six O’Clock News Hour!

We’re understanding folk here in Wellington, Jim. We understand that some factors are simply beyond your control and you can’t always get it right. We understand that you’re a ’Naki boy at heart who has been forced to work in the Big Smoke up north. Do yourself a favour, next time you think you see a fantabulous long weekend coming up, play it safe and leave yourself a little wriggle room. Who knows, we may all be pleasantly surprised!

DON'T VOTE!

It Only Encourages The Buggers...

I see the Local Body Elections are drawing ever-closer upon us and we should all do the democratic thing and cast our votes. The thing is I’m having a problem telling the candidates apart. It says a lot for the calibre of those misguided souls that feel a calling to put themselves forward for Local Government when you can’t tell one from the other.

Right now the incumbent Mayor of Lower Hutt is telling us that he stands for Lower Rates and Better Services. His opposing candidate is saying exactly the same thing. I don’t get it...

Consider the proposition itself. “Lower Rates and Better Services”. Now that sounds like an inherent contradiction in terms to me. How are you expected to improve services when you're bringing in the same amount of money through rates? The obvious solution is to charge more for the services. So your rates won’t go up as much as they might have otherwise but you'll still end up paying more.

Years ago I lived in West Auckland. At the time the incumbent Mayor had just taken delivery of a Daimler Limousine for civic duties. A certain concrete contractor and ex-student radical, name of Shadbolt, pointed out that this extravagance was a waste of ratepayer money with no tangible benefit to the ratepayer. He then pointed out that the Daimler didn't even have a tow-bar. If he became Mayor he wouldn’t be able to tow his concrete mixer! Well, the rest is history. Tim ‘I Don't Care Where As Long as I’m Mayor’ Shadbolt went on to become Mayor of Waitakere City, the Daimler got a tow-bar and Tim towed his trusty (or was that rusty) concrete mixer in the Henderson Christmas Parade. He then went on to lose Waitakere’s Mayoral chains while on a ‘speaking engagement’ at Auckland’s Gluepot Pub. Consequently Tim is now Mayor of Invercargill. Still, it was fun while it lasted.

Most local politicians are not nearly as colourful as young Tim. The local candidates for Mayor are neither Red or Blue, but more consistently a uniform shade of uninspiring Grey. The candidates in the race to become Auckland’s first 'Super Mayor' are similarly indistinguishable. Manukau Mayor Len Brown cried when he had to cut up his official credit card after ‘inappropriate’ use. Auckland City Mayor John ‘Banksy’ Banks similarly cried at a recent court investigation over the death of an acquaintance of his 18 year old son (which wouldn’t have hurt his prospects of re-election at all). From here the future of the Super City doesn’t look too healthy.

The only local body candidate to stand out in any way is Mayor Bob Parker of Christchurch. Bob’s fortunes have changed since the Christchurch earthquake last month and the subsequent aftermath. Bob has been the right man, in the right place, at the right time and has handled the whole business in a very credible manner. His rival, ageing political hack Jim Anderton can’t rival this performance. I imagine Jim will stick to Central Government and the public trough for another parliamentary term.

“Then again, our council is strictly non-political... They’re all conservative.” (Michael Flanders)