Written on a Sunday afternoon...

Reflection on Sunday afternoons, as described by the late Douglas Adams

Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged is a man with a purpose. Not a very good purpose, as he would be the first to admit, but it keeps him busy. Keeps him on the move. For Wowbagger is one of the Universe’s very small number of immortal beings.

Most of those who are born to immortality instinctively know how to cope with it, but Wowbagger is not one of their number. Indeed, he has come to hate them, and refers to them as ‘the load of serene bastards’.

He had his immortality inadvertently thrust upon him after an unfortunate accident with an irrational particle accelerator, a liquid lunch, and a pair of rubber bands. The precise details are not important because no one has ever managed to duplicate the exact circumstances under which it happened, although many people have ended up looking very silly, or very dead or, more often than not, both, trying.

To begin with it was fun, he had a ball, living dangerously, taking risks, cleaning up on high-yield long-term investments, and just generally outliving the hell out of everybody. But even the attractions of immortality can pass, in the end it was Sunday afternoons he just couldn’t cope with, and that terrible listlessness that starts to set in at about 2:55 when you know you’ve taken all the baths you can usefully take that day, or that however hard you stare at any given paragraph in the newspaper you will never actually read it, or use the revolutionary new pruning technique it describes, and that as you stare at the clock the hands will move relentlessly on to four o’clock, and you will enter the ‘Long Dark Teatime of the Soul’.

So things began to pall for him. The smug smiles he used to wear at other people’s funerals began to fade. He began to despise the Universe in general, and everybody in it in particular.

And it was at this point at which he conceived his purpose, the thing that would drive him on, and which, as far as he could see, would drive him on forever. It was this:

He would insult the Universe.

That is, he would insult everybody in it. Individually, personally, one by one, and (this was the thing he really decided to grit his teeth over) in Alphabetical Order.

When people protested to him, as they sometimes did, that the plan was not merely misguided but actually impossible because of the number of people being born and dying all the time, he would merely fix them with a steely look and say, “A man can dream, can’t he?”

The dangers of Content Managed (CMS) Websites

Today I read an online article about the dangers of relying on a Content Management System (CMS) driven website to present your business to the web world and potential clients therein. It gave me something to think about. My initial view was that the article would be all about online security, hacking attacks and the like but, in fact, it was really about design and content integrity.

The thing is, setting up a content-managed website nowadays is not the huge financial expense that it once was. There are some great off-the-shelf CMS packages out there now such as Jooma!, WordPress and even New Zealand’s SilverStripe. There are a wide range of template designs available, many for free and others at a nominal cost. There are free blog services (yes, even blogspot.com) which are easy to use and can even be configured to connect through individual domain names. So why do we need to hire web designers? What’s to prevent your average small or mid-sized business downloading one of these packages and uploading the contents to a hosting server or opening a blogspot account, setting all the necessary passwords and permissions and publishing their own web content?

While the obstacles of designing and coding a website can be effectively bypassed, there are still definite security concerns when using an off-the-shelf CMS. The very fact that these packages can be downloaded and easily configured means that hackers can also download copies and look for ‘xploits’ – weaknesses in the code that can be exploited to enable the hacker to take control of installed copies of the software. The companies that write the CMS packages are constantly on the watch for this kind of activity and, as is common practice for software companies, release patches and updates to address new security concerns. However if a site is running on an older version CMS it is are potentially at risk. Do the site owners have the technical smarts to upgrade the CMS to the latest version without losing site content? And if they are running third-party extensions to add functionality to their site, are these compromising the integral security of the site? Are these extensions the latest and most secure versions?

Security concerns aside there are also design concerns. Is there a template available that fits in with the company image and branding? Can the company logo be displayed on the site pages, and can it be displayed ‘correctly’ (note: there is much more to this than simply having the logo appear on a page)? Are the colours a match to brand identity? What about typography? How many other individuals in cyberspace are using the same template? How much time is it going to take to do this work (in business nothing is ever ‘free’), and who is available to do it? Could their time be better utilised? And above all, how many design compromises should be made in the interest of having a ‘free’ website design?

It is here, of course, that the web or graphic designer comes into play. An industry professional can design a website that addresses these concerns for a one-off fee, and connect it to an easy-to-use CMS. They will include the company’s brand identity and logo, taking into account design considerations such as clearspace, typography, use of web-safe colour matches to brand colours, and introducing the special touches that embellish and enhance a brand and make the website a unique and logical extension of the brand. They can be contracted to provide site hosting, take care of security and keep the CMS version up to date. And the business owner can take it from there.

There are other considerations, however. The integrity of site content is every bit as important as the integrity of the CMS or the site design. Writing for the web is an art in itself, it is different to other written forms of communication. Web content should be split in to small, easy to read ‘chunks’. It is often less formal than heavyweight corporate documentation. It should be written in the same ‘voice’ - consistent use of language and written style. And, perhaps most importantly, it should contain keywords and phrases that help in search engine queries.

Site owners editing or changing these keywords and phrases can adversely affect search engine results. Careless editing by inexperienced persons can result in uneven or irregular formatting and paragraph spacing. Images might be uploaded that are ‘cheesy’ stock images used elsewhere that are inappropriate to the visual integrity of the site or that are simply too large (in terms of file size and download times) to display well. New site content should always be checked against the rest of the site to ensure that the writing style and language match it is in keeping with published content. Is the meaning of the content still clear or has it been compromised by excessive jargon or stock industry phrases? Is the subject matter clearly, simply and completely explained? And finally, there’s also grammar to be checked and the essential spelling checks to be made.

Any shortcuts in these areas can result in the design and content integrity of the website being compromised, with the initial investment in the site being drastically reduced. The site simply doesn’t perform as well as it should. It loses value as time passes. And eventually it becomes worthless. Worse still, in time it can actually work against it’s owner. Badly-designed and badly-maintained sites diminish the owner’s credibility with potential clients.

That’s not to say that I am opposed to Content-Managed sites at all. In fact CMS systems are a great tool that enables the site owner to keep their site fresh and current – always important when publishing information online. But appropriate care needs to be taken when site owners assume responsibility for site content.

Finally, it always pays to keep the site designer on-side to perform special tasks that might be slightly outside the ordinary. And get them to periodically audit site content as a ‘fresh pair of eyes’ to ensure that everything is still on track!

This Summer is a Crock...

For the last five days, the Dominion Post has been regaling us with the delights of the elusive Wellington Summer. Since the beginning of December the East Coast of of the North Island of New Zealand has been buffeted by winds while the West Coast has been subjected to torrential rain. Wellington, being at the southernmost extremity of the North Island, has copped the lot.

This is not to say that we have not had days with sunshine. In fact, the sun is shining right now. And we should be thankful that this morning’s gale force nor-westers have abated to a more sedate 20-30 knots, only occasionally gusting to 55. Windburn is so much more healthier than sunburn, at least there’s no risk of skin cancer.

We went for a family bike ride along the Hutt River Trail on January the 1st. Heading south, we set a cracking pace that any self-respecting motorcross rider would be hard pressed to beat. Coming back, however, was a different story – a long, slow drag at walking speed. In fact I’m sure that we did end up walking part of the way. We then went out to a family picnic in ‘sub-tropical’ Upper Hutt. We huddled low to the ground to keep out of the wind. My sunburn still stings (no kidding)...

This, we have just been informed by the experts in the Met Office, is an ‘El Nino’ summer.

The majority of New Zealanders first heard of the ‘El Nino’ effect on the Southern Oscillation in the early eighties. Apparently warmer-than-normal ocean water off the Columbian, Ecuadorian and Peruvian coasts of South America and cooling ocean water around Indonesia and the Indian Ocean means that New Zealanders can realistically forget about summer this year. No camping this summer holidays, no barbecues on the beach – that’s it. The effect that ‘El Nino’ has on the New Zealand weather pattern means that it’s wetter than normal to the north of the country, drier than normal in the east, and as for the south and west, forget it. Oh, and then there's the wind (did I mention the wind?).

‘El Nino’ is apparently a Hispanic expression that means ‘Christ Child’. This name is applied to the Southern Oscillation because the onset of this climactic event is normally around Christmas time. The counterpoint of ‘El Nino’ is the much more agreeable ‘La Nina’, which we can expect in three or four summers time. Or not.

And there was I thinking that they would blame it on global warming...

50 years of the Mini!

After 50 years why do people still love the Mini? What was the thinking behind Alec Issigonis’ ground-breaking design? How can you fit four full-sized adults in a car with an overall length of just 10'? This short documentary (just under 16 minutes) answers these questions – and others. Well worth a look (well, I think so anyway)...

Exams

It’s that time of the year again... more words of wisdom from Mr John Clarke, AKA Fred Dagg...

I suppose there are some of you out there working up to sitting exams of one sort or another and I’d just like to say that all my sympathies go with you, in fact I even had to sit an exam myself once. I didn’t do particularly well because I had a bit of a headache - the night before I’d been rubbing a bit of brandy into my brain to settle the nerves a bit and I think it might have got away on me.

I thought the questions were very difficult, actually it was a maths exam and I never was very smart with numbers. In fact I wasn’t even supposed to be doing the maths exam, but I’d fronted up on the wrong day and once I was through the door they wouldn’t let me out for a few hours.

The first question was all about calculating the compound interest travelling at the speed of light past three men who took four days to mow a lawn of six acres. Well, as you can understand, I didn’t see the answer leaping off the paper and hitting me between the eyes, so I sat back and delivered my old favourite, an essay on what I did in the holidays. Then I got down on the floor and snuck off home. I got four percent for that exam. They said I’d got the answer wrong, but they gave me a couple of points for my reasoning, which was interesting because when I sat the English exam I wrote the same essay and got three percent.

So it’s really just a matter of luck, so keep at it and try to avoid getting headaches of the kind I mentioned before.

Global Warming - some more key facts

This post is about the evils of Global Warming, the impending doom of the planet Earth and the New Zealand Government’s much-debated Emission Trading Scheme.

From my (limited) perspective there are three main considerations:

• The global climate is definitely changing. Polar ice sheets are retreating, glacial melt is accelerating and there are more extreme ‘weather events’.
• The extent of man’s contribution to this has not yet been determined. There have been other great climactic changes in Earth’s history. It is possible that man made activities are making things worse, or not.
• A lot of people are getting set to become extremely rich because of global warming.

The people that are going to become extremely rich are those people that are, at this very moment, busy establishing the global Carbon Trading markets. To offset our impending doom, along with the destruction of the planet and the end of life on Earth as we know it, all global citizens involved in activities that produce carbon emissions will very shortly need to purchase ‘carbon credits’ to offset the alleged ‘damage’ that their activities cause. Just how these individuals purchase these carbon credits depends upon their individual governments. For instance you might pay for your Carbon Credits through a direct tax on carbon emitting activities (such as a levy on the price of a litre of petrol when you fill your car). Or Governments themselves may choose to part-subsidise these activities, in which case you will pay when you pay your income tax or any other tax they choose to apply it to. Either way, it’s the individuals that will end up paying for this.

The thing is, when the New Zealand Government brought into the Kyoto protocol, they thought they were onto a winner. With our small population New Zealand contributes a minimal amount to global carbon emissions. And don’t forget about the acres of forestry throughout the country. Trees are ‘carbon sinks’ – which meant that other countries should have been paying New Zealand to offset their own carbon emissions. But the New Zealand Government very stupidly forgot about the local livestock. The ruminants found in rural environments throughout the country fart and belch methane – a ‘greenhouse gas’ that makes up roughly half of New Zealand’s total emissions. And so, having read the small print, we now have to find a way to pay for these livestock emissions as well. At the time a direct ‘fart tax’ on farmers was considered, but is has since been pointed out that ruminants tend to belch methane rather than fart. However ‘belch taxes’ have not yet been ruled out.

So with the current downfall of the Global Financial Markets and the requirement some of the big wheels formerly working there to find alternative employment we now have a new industry of global markets specialising in the trading of carbon credits, and vast sums of money are about to change hands. But what I’d really like to know, and if I play my cards right I might get to the point sometime, is once the taxes have been paid, and the carbon credits have been purchased and you’re all set to crank up your coal-fired power station, stoke up the old barbie or let rip with the V8, what happens to the money?

I have a sneaking suspicion that it will end up earning interest for these Carbon Exchange Traders in a Cayman Islands or a Swiss bank account.

Just how is this supposed to save the planet? I have absolutely no idea. Presumably this small detail is still being figured out. But my gut feeling at this point in time is that we’ve all been had!

Talk to the Pod – New iPod feature!

I see that the new range of iPods are packed with new features. OK, I already knew that the iPod was much more than a simple MP3 player – the iPod Touch had WI-FI capability and I knew that you could download movies and play them on many iPods. I can see how far the iPod has come from the first 5MB ‘classic’ iPod. Since then, of course, we've had the iPod Mini, the iPod Nano, bigger and bigger capacity ‘Classic’ iPods and, of course, the iPod Touch, as already mentioned.

Some people have had their gripes about the iPod, a major one, surprisingly, being the lack of a radio tuner. Well, seeing as Steve Jobs was involved in the project from the start, perhaps this isn’t so surprising. After all, this is the man who turned Apple around in 1998 with the iMac – an all-in-one desktop computer that, thanks to Jobs’ purity of vision, lacked a floppy disk drive because floppy disks were inefficient, held a mere 1MB of data (and if you wanted to transfer a file smaller than 1MB there were better ways to do it), were unreliable and prone to errors (you can’t seriously be thinking of backing up on this, can you?) and, compared to CD media, they were expensive. So following that rationale, if you were the proud owner of a shiny new iPod with a playlist of all your all-time favourite music at your disposal, why would you want to be listening to the radio anyway? Answer, you wouldn’t. Right?

Well, this generation of iPods includes a radio tuner. And that’s not all. Amongst a host of new features I see the new generation iPod Nano even includes a video camera – although why you would want to make a video on an 8 or 16GB MP3 player escapes me. The only thing I think Apple could add to the mix now is a mobile phone – oh hold on a minute, that would be the iPhone (which also, coincidentally, browses the web, includes games and even plays MP3 files...)

So Apple, where to from here?

Actually there is one other feature that would be very useful. If you do an internet search on ‘iPod’ and ‘hearing loss’ you will find thousands of pages confirming what has long been suspected including this one from as early as 2005 – iPods, along with other portable music players that include earbuds that fit inside the ear canal are a very real contributor to hearing loss. In fact it is recommended that users listen to these devices for no longer than 60 minutes a day, at less than 60% of full volume. Greater exposure can cause permanent hearing loss in the middle ranges.

But try pointing this out to your kids and they just don’t want to know. In fact, when they have their iPods in it’s very hard to talk to them at all...

Which is why I suggest that future iPods should also include a very essential feature to compensate for the hearing loss of the iPod generation – an inbuilt hearing aid!